One Couples Journey

 This blog has been transferred from a caring bridge site done in 2004

Feb 5, 2004 

Sometimes even when we know that the inevitable is going to happen it still doesn't make it any easier. Today my best friend, my husband, my lover and the father to my children started dialysis.

 We arrived at the ER in Chandler AZ this morning. My dear husband has been feeling sick for some time now. He is lethargic, nauseated and somewhat swollen. I recount his medical history and diagnosis of renal insufficiency to the doctor. It all started with high blood pressure and kidney stones a couple years ago and before we knew it he had a rapidly progressing form of CKD. Labs are drawn and the doctors can't even believe he's still alive with such values. As a result of toxins in his blood Greg has become very mentally confused. He says he does not want dialysis but he's not in a good state of mind to make that decision. At this point not doing dialysis would mean the end for him and the end for us. He can no longer answer for himself so I give permission for them to go ahead and dialyze him. They tell me he will be more clear thinking after treatment. I hear them calling me to the room where they will begin so I hide in a closet because the reality of dialysis is more than I can handle. This is the day that I have dreaded for more than two years. They keep calling me over the hospital intercom, I know I can't hide forever.  I see him on the table with his blood is being drained from his body and my heart breaks in two. I feel so weak and lost. I wish I could take his pain and suffering but I know its not possible. I pray "God just get us through this day and help us to accept what we cannot change". Dialysis is not something you can start then stop, it's pretty much a life sentence. I have such a hard time believing that this is actually happening. My strong man is now dependent on a machine to keep him alive. I believe God has a way for him but as of now I have no idea what that way is. 

Worry and Anxiety are things we all struggle with to one degree or another but for some it can become so big that it takes over our lives. If you are a christian you were not called to live paralyzed by fear worry or anxiety. The enemy wants nothing more than to whisper lies into your ear and cause you to believe them, but God has defeated the enemy and wants us to walk in that freedom. Romans 8:31 "If God is for us who can be against us"! Ive struggled with fear and anxiety these last few years. When you are worrying about something try replacing it with what is true, God lives in you and wants you to break free from the strongholds of fear worry and anxiety. At the end of the day this blog is about about our lives and our journey. I'd like to share some scriptures that have helped me through some of my darkest moments of my life. 

The Lord is at hand. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be known unto God. Philippians 4: 5-6

Rejoice in hope, be patient in times of trouble, be constant in prayer.  Romans 12:12

When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. Psalm 56:3

Our soul waits for the Lord he is our help and our shield. Psalm 33:20 

You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you. Isaiah 26:3

The fear of man lays a snare but whoever trusts in the Lord is safe. Proverbs 29:25

The Lord is my strength and my shield, in him my heart trusts and I am helped my heart exalts and with my song I give thanks unto him Psalm 28:7